Muslim Marriage Celebrant - Islamic & Civil

By Bilal Dannoun
September 1, 2022

The Marital Questionnaire - Know Your Partner and Yourself

Bilal Dannoun - Muslim Marriage Expert

About Bilal Dannoun

Bilal Dannoun is a marriage celebrant, marital counsellor and divorce facilitator with over 20 years experience. Integrating modern day, proven strategies and data, along with an Islamic approach, Bilal has been privileged to see many couples mend cracked and sometimes broken marriages. If there’s one thing that stands out most after marriage is that a good marriage keeps you happier and healthier!

Muslim Marriage Course - The Five Cs to a Healthy, Happy and Thriving marriage

This comprehensive course integrates Islamic knowledge with modern research about relationships—and it works! The science is there, but this course puts it into an Islamic framework that makes so much sense.

The course offers options and solutions to common problems related to relationships:

In-law related challenges and family interference
Infidelity, betrayal and trust issues
Failed Expectations and communication issues
Lack of emotional connection
Addictions
Past trauma and its impact on the relationship
Toxic behaviours, conflict management resolution and forgiveness
Intimacy issues and best practices for greater intimacy

It’s fun, it’s not like Bilal Dannoun is going to be lecturing you on a mountaintop somewhere.

You can watch or listen to me from the device of your choice, at the time of your choice, and the setting of your choice.

Bismillah.

The following list of questions below have been compiled to help you understand more about your potential partner if you are in the process of spouse selection. If you are already married, these questions can help unlock more about your spouse and how you can both increase your connection with each other.

Note: Some questions may not apply to you based on your marital status.

Tip: Try to find time where you are both relaxed and ask these questions as part of a fun, conversational piece, like on a date and not like an interrogation.

Note: Some questions may not apply to you based on your marital status.

Tip: Try to find time where you are both relaxed and ask these questions as part of a fun, conversational piece, like on a date and not like an interrogation.

General

Why do you want to get married?
What are your expectations? Tell me at least 5 things you expect in order to be in a happy marriage.
Have you been married before? How many times?
Are you married now?
Tell me about your education?
Do you have any particular habits I should know about?
Would you call yourself an introvert or extrovert?
What are 5 things that make life wonderful?
Have you learnt any lessons from a previous relationship?
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half-shut afterwards.” Is this approach beneficial at times?
Describe your top three perceived gender differences.

Relationship

Do you have a grand vision for your marriage? If so, what is it?
What are your needs in a relationship?
What can you offer your spouse; spiritually, emotionally, materially?
What do you expect from your spouse religious-wise, emotionally, and materially?
How do you believe the relationship between a husband & wife should be?
Do you believe that technology would enhance or disrupt your relationship?
Do you think it’s important to go to bed/sleep with your spouse at the same time?
What 3 qualities would you like to see in your partner?
What 3 traits would you hate to see in your spouse?
Could you manage in a relationship that increased your personal power/wealth/social status, even if it lacked love somewhat?
When you see me, do you think “There you are!” or “Here I am”?
Is life too short to stay in a marriage that hurts?
Would you like for your spouse to share your perspective and worldview, or do you enjoy differences?
What do you perceive as your worst imaginable marriage partner?
How important is intellectual compatibility to you?
If trust is broken, are there ways it may be regained?
It has been said: “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person”. What ways can this be achieved?
Do you think that some things should be left unsaid or is honesty the “best policy”?
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.”. Do you think these sorts of comments are hurtful or humorous?
What foundations do you think relationships should be built upon?
What do you think is the best preparation for a long-term committed relationship?
Do you know how to give comfort?
What do you think your greatest strength would be as a spouse?
Describe two things you each have in common and two differences.
How do you demonstrate/express love?
What is the greatest fear that you have for your spouse?
What things increase feelings of love?
Do you make assumptions about gender roles? (Follow up question: “What role should your spouse have in the relationship?”).
What is one word that would describe this relationship?
“When a man opens the car door for his wife, it is either a new car or a new wife.” How would you rate the importance of manners and etiquette in a relationship?
What means considerably more to you than your significant other?
To what extent do you think that a sense of individual freedom is a necessary component in a relationship?
Do you think falling in love is a big part of a relationship?
If one of us is in the public eye, how can we preserve our relationship?
Do you believe that there is a fine line between engaging in separate activities that will either enrich or move relationships apart?
“What counts is not how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility”. How does this quote make you feel?
Is there a project that you would like to collaborate with your spouse on?
In what ways do you think mutual encouragement can be facilitated to promote growth for your spouse?
In what ways would you like your spouse to provide assistance in?
“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” What place does comedy and laughter have in a marriage?
How do you think power in a marriage should be distributed?
In which areas are competence and incompetence attractive?
Is exclusivity a factor in experiencing love?

You

Are you social?
How were you raised/disciplined? Do you like the way you were raised?
Do you have insecurities about anything?
What is your idea of an ideal wedding (Waleemah) celebration?
They say that ‘Being heard is so close to being loved.’
Are you an active listener?
Do you have a charitable or voluntary activity?
Can you make an anagram of your name?
Tell me about a recent stumbling block you experienced.
Tell me about a stepping experience you experienced.
When is it best to give you space?
What do you believe are the 3 most important influences that make up who you are?
On a scale of 1-10, how tidy would you say you are?
Are you someone who is punctual and upholds appointments?
Do you say “yes” or “no” more often?
Are you a self-reliance type of person or interdependent type, i.e. you like working with others to achieve goals?
Are you good at communicating your daily schedule and appointments to others?
Were conflicts dealt with in a positive manner when you were growing up? How much of your attitude towards conflict changed since then?
What things contribute to your personal happiness?
It is said: “Examples are not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing”. Do you lead by example or explanation?
What was your first impression when we met?
Are you possessive or sharing?
Considering that an indicator of future behaviour is reflection on past behaviour. Do you reflect and examine yours?
If you feel alone in the world, what do you do?
What habit would you like to modify?
Do you have a recurring dream or nightmare?
When and why have you suddenly felt older?
Is there a topic you tend to overthink?
Do you tend to be thoughtless or forgetful in a particular area?
How do you think you can make ordinary conversations extraordinary?
Do you give clear requests?
Do you like to discuss multiple or singular topics at the one time?
Do you take advice easily?
What things cause you anxiety?
Tell me of a situation where you showed courage.
Do you prefer to be nurtured or admired?
How do you like to be cared for when you are sick?
“I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved; the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave.”. How often do you like feelings reaffirmed?
What are three moments in your childhood that stand out to you?
Are you an early bird or a night owl?
Do you practice self-reflection? If so, how?
Tell me what makes you feel appreciated.
Are you one for pet names?
Positivity and negativity. Which one do you tend to give and which one do you think you receive?
How do you like to be approached when you are out of sorts?
Would you prefer to work through painful memories or repress them?
“I have an habitual feeling of my real life having passed.” Do you think you are truly living the life you want?
What gives you hope?
How did you spend your time during lockdown?
Have you ever been betrayed? How has this impacted you?
What are your top three values or priorities in life?
Do you know the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Are you more of an empathiser or a sympathiser?
Have you ever done an online 5 love languages quiz? If so, what is your preferred love language? (Here they are: Words of Affirmation. Quality time. Acts of Service. Surprises and gifts. Soft touch.)
Have you ever done a personality test? If so, which one? What did you learn about yourself from it?
How do your parents discuss or resolve issues? Calmly? Silently? Or do they silently shut?
Do you have any current arrangements or communication with an ex-spouse?
What is your definition of infidelity (cheating and betrayal)?
What is your favourite animal and why?
What do you see yourself doing 10 years from now?
Are you open to the idea that there will be many issues we will have to agree to disagree?

Religion

Does religion play a major role in your life? Do you practice its fundamental teachings?
Can you read the Qur’an in Arabic
How often and how much of the Quran do you read?
How many chapters from the Qur’an have you memorised?
Do you read your morning and evening supplications, such as the ones found in
Fortress of the Muslim, everyday after Fajr/Subuh and ‘Asr?
Do you pray the Sunnah prayers associated with the compulsory prayers?
Do you make sure you pray Witr prayer every night?
Do you wake up regularly for night prayers (Tahajjud/Qiyyam)?
Which days, apart from Ramadan, throughout the year do you fast consistently?
Do you know when you will need to give Zakat on which things Zakat is payable?
Have you been to Umrah or Hajj?
Do you pray Istikhara regularly to make big or small decisions?
How often do you give Sadaqah?
Have you ever contributed to a charity cause that will benefit your Hereafter such as a water well, Masjid, etc.
Have you sponsored an orphan or do you plan on sponsoring any?
Do you frequent any Islamic organisations online or in real life? Which ones?
Have you memorised any hadiths from the Prophet (peace be upon him)?
Do you adopt the ideas of any particular group? If so, why? Since when?
What is your relationship between yourself and your Muslim brethren in your area?
Which Muslim scholars or celebrities do you follow on social media?
Which non-Muslim scholars and celebrities do you follow on social media?
Have you ever volunteered for any Islamic, religious or social activities?
Is there anything in the religion that you feel doesn’t make sense? If so, please give your reasons why.
What is your stance on meat slaughtered by the people of the book in this country? Do you consider it Halal?
Do you eat food that contains ‘Gelatine’ that does not have any halal endorsement?
What would you sacrifice to achieve your goals? Would you bear in mind any Islamic principles or repercussions?
How does Islam infuse with your life?
Allah (SWT) encourages us to reflect upon his creation. How is your relationship with nature?

Family & Home

Describe to me an ideal night in.
What’s the meaning of family for you?
How is your relationship with your parents?
How is your relationship with each of your family members?
What do you like to do with your family, and how often?
What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
What do you expect your spouse’s relationship with your family to be?
How would you best describe the character and personality type of your parents?
Has any parent cheated on the other?
Which parent do you resemble most in character?
What do you think if my mother or your mother interfered in our personal lives?
If your parent/s, siblings or relatives caused any injustice towards me, are you okay for me to never speak to them again or will you challenge my stance?
Is there anyone in your family living with you now?
Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
Do you mind having guests in your home on a regular basis?
What is your opinion of speaking other languages in the home that I do not understand such as with your family or friends?
What do you believe makes a house, a home?
Are you expecting to have a pet at home? If so, which one?
Describe to me your dream home.
In an ideal world, where would you like to live?
Do you have a recipe for fostering a successful relationship with your family (in-laws)?
Do you expect me to show up all the time to weekly family gatherings?
Are you okay going to your family gatherings without me?

Friends

What qualities do you look for in a friend?
Who are your friends and how did you come to know them?
(Identify at least 3)
What do you like most about them?
Do you have friends of the opposite sex? What is the level of your relationship with them now?
What will the level of your relationship with them be after marriage?
What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
What sort of relationship would you expect your spouse to have with his/her friends?
How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
It was once said that “Only choose as a mate someone who you would also choose as a friend”. Does this statement resonate with you?
Is it ok to have separate friends that you associate with regularly?
Do you think it is important for your spouse to approve of your social circle?
Do you take preference over making new friends or established ones?

Children

Do you want to have children? If not, how come?
Do you think it is necessary to have a child in the first year of marriage?
If yes, ideally, how many children would you like to have?
Does it matter whether they are girls or boys?
Are you willing to change diapers (nappies) if you have children?
Will you be open to the idea of being in the delivery room when any child will be coming into this world?
Your top 5 principles of parenting?
Do you support the idea of utilising baby sitters and/or maids?
To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
Do you believe in abortion?
Do you have children now? If so, what is your relationship with them now (and their other parent)?
What kind of relationship would you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parents?
How would you like to raise your children? i.e.: morals, extra-curricular activities, education, friends etc.
What is the best method(s) of disciplining children? Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?
How do you think children should be educated?
Do you believe in public, private (any) or private Islamic school for your children?
Do you believe in homeschooling for your children?

Interests, Talents & Skills

Describe to me an ideal night out.
Tell me some of your passions and interests that you have had since you were a child.
How do you spend your free time? And what are your hobbies?
In what ways do you like to relax?
Are you more of an outdoor or indoor person?
How do you think your spouse should spend his/her vacations or do in their free time?
Describe to me how you would spend a “perfect” day?
Do you prefer routine or spontaneity?
Have you/Are you being haunted by “if only” questions about your life journey?
Do you like to read? If so, what sort of books?
Where is your ideal travel destination and with whom?
Where would you like to travel together?
Are you more spontaneous or planned when it comes to having fun?
When you are leaving for a trip, do you start early or when you are ready?
How do you prevent boredom in your life?
Describe to me an environment that will allow your talents and ambitions to come to fruition.
Do you consider yourself competitive, and if so in what areas?
In what area are you most creative?
Do you have a hobby or interest that may have a negative effect on the relationship?
Are there any social occasions that bore you?
What skills do you possess?
Tell me which season of the year you enjoy the most.

Work & Life

Do you love your job, pragmatically do your job, loathe your job or do your best to ignore it?
Does a career take precedence over a relationship?
Should changes that will impact on life be opportunities to be explored and embraced, or is it better to maintain the status quo?
What are some pros and cons of working together in any respect?
Are you okay with your partner working with the opposite gender and if yes, to what extent?

Aspirations & Goals

What are your thoughts of the future?
How much time have you spent in the past in preparation for the future?
If you could devote all your life to a cause, what would it be?
Where do you focus?
To what do you aspire?
What is your future ambition and what is your goal in life?
How do you see yourself living your life as a retiree?
Do you think that it is important for spouses to share mutual goals and priorities?
“Grow old with me. The best is yet to be-the last of life for which the first was made”. What rewards do you hope of gaining during old age in a marriage?

Health & Wellbeing

To what degree is physical appearance important to you?
Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
Do you have any health related problems or actions you cannot do due to a health condition?
Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
How do you support your own health and nutrition?
If I suffer from a disease (or currently am), how will you react to it?
If I were infertile, what would you do?
If any of the children are born disabled, how would you react to that?
Describe to me your relationship with food.
Are you pro or anti when it comes to vaccinations for yourself and for your future children?
Which type of health-related therapies do you lean towards most?
Conventional doctors or naturopaths?
What type of diets have you tried and what is your favourite one and what is the one that worked most for you? For example, Ketogenic, intermittent fasting, Paleo, Carnivore, High fat, low carbohydrates, etc.
Are you currently on any medications? If so, which ones?
Do you take supplements such as vitamins and minerals? If so which ones?
Have you been traumatised from any life events? Tell me more?
Have you been to any therapy regarding your trauma?
Do you still see a therapist or counsellor regarding past trauma?
Have you ever been afflicted by Jinn or the evil eye?
What is your emotional home? In other words, when you are down what do you do to forget?
Do you have (OCD) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? If so, please tell me more.

Money

Do you work? If so, where?
How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
Do you use credit cards?
How often do you splurge and on what?
Do you support the idea of taking Non-Islamic Bank loans to buy a new home?
What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
Do you support the idea of a working wife?
If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
Are you investing in anything at the moment?
Is there a form of wastefulness that you particularly dislike?
What are your long-term financial goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Are you naturally a spender or saver?
Do you budget your finances? How do you think financial harmony will be achieved?
To what degree is your happiness determined by worldly possessions?
Is your financial fantasy meeting your financial reality?
The cooperative shopping couple-reality or myth?
What’s the most you are willing to spend on a car, shoes, or couch?

Anger, Abuse & Conflict

Does non-verbal communication play an important part in understanding someone?
Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family or friends?
Do your friends or family use foul language?
How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved? When should mediation be initiated?
Can you let bygones be bygones?
What things make you angry?
What offence/action/statement would you find hard to forgive?
How do you manage anger?
Do you hear people out before interjecting?
Is it better to calm differences or to discuss them?
Can you peacefully agree to disagree on some issues rather than having either one of us sacrifice or conceal beliefs and values?
Do you think it is something positive to have differing views on “hot-topic” areas (such as politics)?
When something is wrong, do you pick up a mirror or a magnifying glass?
Do you process your issues internally or out loud?
Are problems categorised as mine, yours or ours?
Do you have any prejudices? What assumptions do you tend to make?
Is there a subject/area that you will fully avoid for the sake of keeping the peace?
Do you admit your mistakes?
Walk me through the way you handle a conflict or a crisis.
What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
If someone has wronged you, what do you think should be done? How do you want him/her to apologise to you?
Is there a dignified way to end a relationship?
Do you find it harder to forgive or forget?
“A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Are you able to easily forgive?
Do you collect conflict and injustices?
Are you able to separate the issue at hand from the person?
What would you think an “endearing” fault is?