What Does It Take to Build a Marriage With Barakah?
Marriages are a little bit like microphones. If they’re not connected, the other person won’t hear you. And that’s a problem.
One of the most important topics in Islam, and in the world irrespective of culture, is the topic of marriage. Marriage is truly a gift from Allah. When Prophet Adam (peace be upon him) was in Jannah, Allah had created him and you can just imagine: he had the fruit-bearing trees, the rivers, the mansions, but he never had someone to share that experience with. Allah knew about this sense of loneliness within him and the narration says he felt lonely. So Allah created from him his wife, because you can have so many beautiful things but you want to be able to go back and share that experience with someone. That someone is your spouse, your husband or your wife.
As Bilal Dannoun, a Sydney-based Muslim marriage celebrant specializing in Sharia-compliant nikah ceremonies and Islamic counselling, I want to share with you today the Barakah Blueprint for Marriage: how to get married, what to look out for, and how to stay married.
We live in a day and age where once upon a time it was easy to get married and hard to get divorced. Today, honestly speaking, it’s hard to get married and easy to get divorced. Something is wrong. We need to raise awareness because the quality of your marriage counts for everything that you do.
Even Western studies confirm this. One statistic found that lost productivity in the workplace is largely due to employees coming to work with problems at home, not being the best version of themselves. A dysfunctional or toxic marriage has a ripple effect on every part of your life.
The longest Harvard study, now about 85 years old (you can find it on YouTube), tracked the lives of about 730 men to find out who would be successful, who would be happy, who would end up on drugs, who would end up in jail. They assessed these people every year. Fast-tracking many years later, they found that the men who were in good relationships were the ones who prospered, who were happy, who really made progress in their life. The conclusion was simple: good relationships keep you happier and they keep you healthier.
Now let’s look at what Allah says in the Quran, and let me share with you the blueprint for a marriage filled with Barakah.
Understanding Barakah in Marriage
Before we get into practical steps, we need to understand what Barakah actually means.
Barakah means:
- If you haven’t got something, now you have it
- If you have a little bit of it, Allah expands it
- If you have a lot of it, Allah makes it very beneficial and fruitful
You can be married. You can have children. You can have wealth. But if there’s no Barakah, are you going to be happy? No. The concept of Barakah is profound. As Muslims, every single one of us should familiarize ourselves with it. Barakah is essentially doing less for more. It’s Allah’s blessing that makes everything multiply.
The Dua for Barakah in Marriage: In Surah Al-Furqan (25:74), Allah teaches us a dua that is a must to memorize for anyone about to get married, and for everyone who is already married:
“Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhurriyyatina qurrata a’yunin waj’alna lil muttaqina imama.”
(Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes, and make us an example for the righteous.)
Why is this dua special? First, you’re turning to Allah, shielding your marriage. Every marriage needs protection. You acknowledge that Allah is the turner of hearts and that He can turn the heart of your spouse toward you or away from you.
Second, notice the word hab, meaning gift. When a gift comes your way, you didn’t necessarily work for it. It comes without effort. It comes when you don’t expect it, brings joy to your eyes, and makes you content. What about if the gift is from Allah? Don’t you think that’s a special gift?
You’re asking: “Ya Allah, make it so that when I see my spouse or my children, my eyes light up and I’m very happy and I’m very content.” That’s the dua Allah is teaching us to better our relationships.
The Two Pillars of a Thriving Marriage
Allah mentions in Surah Ar-Rum (30:21) two pillars that we need to be intentional about for a thriving marriage.
Pillar One: Mawadda (Affection)
Notice that Allah doesn’t say mahaba (love) here. He says mawadda. When it comes to the relationship between husband and wife, he chose mawadda specifically. Why? Because if you really want to sustain a relationship, you need to be in it in a very passionate way, in a way that ensures an emotional connection that leads to a physical connection. When you have the emotional and physical connection, the world becomes your oyster. Mawadda is passion. That’s one pillar you have to remember always.
Pillar Two: Rahmah (Mercy)
Marriage becomes a place to gain the mercy of Allah. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Those who show mercy, the Most Merciful will show them mercy.” We are all here wanting the mercy of Allah. The shortest path to the mercy of Allah is by being merciful to the people around us. And that begins with your spouse.
Quote from Bilal Dannoun: “Marriage is meant to be sakina, not survival. It’s not about surviving your marriage and just being in it. It’s about achieving the sakina and the tranquility that comes with marriage. There’s an Arab saying: it’s better to have 1,000 enemies outside your home, but don’t have one enemy inside your home. That one enemy inside your home can make you lose every battle out there.”
Step One: Be Ready Before You Get Married
Fix Yourself First
Marriage will not change you, my brother and my sister, if you haven’t done the work. Marriage does not change you. Marriage will reveal you. The mask always falls off. You can’t keep it on for too long. It’s not possible. It’s not the way Allah created us. So quit trying to find the loopholes and deceive people and deceive yourself. Allah knows what you’re doing.
Fix yourself first. What does that look like?
Spiritually Ready:
- Be practicing if you want Barakah in your marriage. Do you think your marriage will be blessed if you’re not praying on time?
- The pious people of the past said: “Repair your relationship with the Creator, and He will repair your relationship with the creation.”
- Don’t limit yourself to the obligatory acts. Go the extra mile for the sake of Barakah: pray your Sunnah prayers, fast Mondays and Thursdays if you can, give regular charity
Lower Your Gaze: Three words. Lower your gaze. It’s so hard in this day and age with social media, the workplace, summertime, billboards. It’s everywhere.
The scholars said there’s a connection between the word basar (sight outwardly) and basira (insight, wisdom). They said: lower your gaze and you increase your insight. You increase your wisdom. You increase Barakah by lowering your gaze.
So when you see something beautiful and you lower your gaze for the sake of Allah, you’re increasing this insight of wisdom. Create FOMO (fear of missing out) for yourself: “Ya Allah, you’ve just tested me. I want to please you, Ya Allah. I’m going to lower my gaze because if I don’t, you may deprive me of something very beneficial.”
This internal dialogue increases the Barakah in your marriage, in your life, in your ability to get married.
For sisters, the test is to cover yourself with hijab and follow the command of Allah. Your test is to cover your beauty. The male’s test is to lower his gaze from that beauty. Both are being tested, but in different ways.
If you have been afflicted with watching inappropriate content, get help. There are beautiful courses online. Reach out and I’ll send you links where you can get help to overcome this habit.
Mentally Ready: Work on your mental health. If you have trauma or attachment issues, you cannot come into the marriage with unresolved trauma. If you do, it will show up in your marriage. If you do, you’re most likely going to end your marriage, or your children are going to inherit your trauma.
“If you don’t heal what hurts you, you will bleed all over those who never cut you.” You come into the marriage with a wound that’s still open, still pouring, and it goes over all the people around you: your spouse and your children. Hurt people hurt people.
Physically Ready: Don’t think people don’t judge a book by its cover. They do. Look after yourself. This body is an amanah (trust). Look the part.
Materially Ready (for Men): Maturity for a man means having a stable job. A woman loves for a man to be able to give her safety. She loves for him to adore her. Some brothers have never grown up in a household where they saw what love looks like, what affection or mawadda looks like. That’s why you need to go and learn.
Don’t Be Hasty Out of Loneliness
Many people start connecting with toxic people because of loneliness. Whatever you do, do not be hasty in getting married just because you’re lonely or because you think time is running out.
As a person who counsels some 15 to 20 couples a week, who has been doing this for almost two decades, I can tell you: it’s better to be single than to be married and unhappy, or worse, to be in a toxic or dysfunctional marriage. It’s better to be patient, but make sure you’re making a lot of dua and a lot of dhikr while single.
About Narcissism: This is a very big buzzword coming to surface, especially with the advent of social media. Social media is producing more and more narcissists: entitlement, grandiosity, “look at me.” Do you know who narcissists go for? They don’t go for strong people. They go for weak people, people with trauma, people who have challenges growing up from dysfunctional families.
Especially to the sisters: most of the time it’s our daughters and sisters being targeted. Why? Because they quickly want to attach, quickly want to get married so they can have children before 30, and they know time is ticking. So they end up getting married and most of the time they get divorced after much heartache, after much abuse, whether physical, verbal, or emotional.
Just because you’re thirsty doesn’t mean you drink poison. Make sure loneliness doesn’t lower your standards. Loneliness does not lower your standards.
Quote from Bilal Dannoun: “I have firsthand statistics and firsthand knowledge of real data from running matrimony events. Do you know how many sisters sign up compared to brothers? 70 to 75% of those who register are females, and most of them are 30 and above. They’re struggling to get married. Don’t delay marriage, but don’t rush it either.”
Step Two: Don’t Delay Marriage
The Prophetic Tradition: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “O youth, whoever has the means to get married should get married, because it helps you lower your gaze and protects your private part from haram. And if you’re not able to get married, you should fast, because fasting decreases your desire and becomes a form of protection.”
We have a crisis because we didn’t follow this prophetic tradition. The Prophet’s words are applicable to every time and place, no matter what scientist, researcher, or influencer tells you.
The Statistics Problem: In matrimony events, 70 to 75% of those who register are females, and most are 30 and above. Here’s why:
Most men want to fulfill their desires in a halal way, so they get married around 21 to 24. Who are they looking for? Someone younger or around their age. They’re not going to look for the 29 or 30 year old.
Now imagine those women reach their 30s. Men in their late 30s and 40s who haven’t married yet? Most of the time they’re looking for women in their 20s. So the women in their 30s are stuck in between, and the probability of getting married decreases significantly.
The Point: We have a crisis because we didn’t follow the prophetic tradition.
To Fathers and Guardians: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “If a suitor comes to you and you are pleased with his deen and his character, give your daughter to him. If you don’t do this, if you’re just going to go for the degrees and qualifications and titles, there’s going to be fitna on this earth, tragedy, calamity, and corruption that is very widespread.”
Maybe this is why we have the problem today, where the youth are struggling to get married because of guardians making it very difficult for their daughters. Then the daughter wonders: what do I do now that I’m over 30 and all the 20 year olds are married and all the 40 year olds are going for the 20 year olds?
Notice what the Prophet said: You’re pleased with his deen. But then he said, “and you are pleased with his character.” Why did he add character? Because there are many practicing Muslims who don’t have a good character. I’ve seen them in front of me: people with addictions, memorizers of the Quran, people from Muslim schools with good family upbringing, but somewhere (friends, environment) they became addicts of something or developed learned behaviors of anger, learned behaviors of disrespect. That comes from the home, the school, the friends, especially the friends.
Quote from Bilal Dannoun: “Please, let’s not delay marriage and let’s choose very wisely. Encourage your daughter to get married as soon as possible, even if it means she has to get married during her studies. Don’t make it unnecessarily difficult.”
Step Three: Choose Wisely
What to Look For in a Spouse
For Brothers: Our Prophet (peace be upon him) said a woman can be married for one of four qualities: lineage, beauty, wealth, or deen. He said at the end: “Go for the one with the deen. Go for the one with religion, and you will prosper.”
So you don’t need a 75-year Harvard study. The Prophet (peace be upon him) has already given us the formula.
But Here’s the Catch: If you want to marry the right person, you have to BE the right person. This is a big problem today: people who are not ready to get married enter marriage. They’re just thinking about hormones. They’re being pressured. What happens? They cause oppression to others and to themselves.
Allah says: “Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves first.”
Who You Marry Will Make You or Break You
Who you marry will either make you or break you. Who you marry can make you more focused or distracted. Who you marry can make your iman high or bring it down low.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Choose wisely for your seedlings.” You need to look at that man or that woman you’re about to marry. Ask yourself:
- Are you happy for this woman to produce children with this character?
- Is he a leader? Is he disciplined? Is he loyal? Is he religious?
That’s on the deen and character.
The Harvard Interview Approach
One thing I would love for our brothers and sisters to do when getting married is to interview their potential spouse the way Harvard would interview their students. To get into Harvard or elite universities, you go through rigorous questioning and assessments. You can’t just get in. But once you are in, they treat you with excellence.
In the beginning, don’t go emotionally connecting and investing your heart before you’ve done all the work. It’s a lot harder to get out once you’re emotionally invested. Be like Harvard: ask all the hard questions, then once you enter the marriage, be a person of ihsan toward that person.
Do Your Istikhara
After checking all the boxes, make your Salah al-Istikhara. Two beautiful things about this prayer:
- You’re asking for Allah’s help
- Allah will show you signs. He will make you hear something or see something. These are called red flags.
And you know what the problem is with many marriages that fail? They ignored the red flags before marriage. Most of the time they didn’t even do the due diligence. They didn’t do the istisharah, seek counsel, seek advice.
One of the happiest moments in my office is when a young man comes to me and says, “I found someone, but I’m not sure.” This man is really investing in himself and his future children. He’s prepared to ask the hard questions.
About the Dua of Istikhara: Notice the word barak in the istikhara dua. You’re asking: “Ya Allah, if you’re going to bless me with this outcome, put Barakah into this outcome.” Not only are you making the right choice, you’ve got a bonus from Allah: you’re asking Him to put Barakah and blessings into this marriage and into this decision.
You Don’t Just Marry a Person. You Marry a Package. Who you marry will impact your offspring. Character transfers. Trauma transfers. Values are inherited. You’re choosing a parent for your future children.
Red Flags: Don’t Marry a Project
Two words to remember: Don’t marry a project. Don’t marry potential.
What does that mean? They find someone. “Mashallah, she’s a revert and I want to be the one that gets her to Jannah.” Yes, mashallah. But have you looked at whether this woman is fit for you in terms of character? Does she have trauma? Does she have issues?
Marrying someone you want to fix. Marrying someone traumatized. You think: “She’s been through so much. I want to make it up for her. I want to be the one who saves her.” What he doesn’t understand is it’s probably more complicated than he thinks.
The Reality: You can’t change people. It’s not that easy. Change must come from within the person themselves. They need to want that change. They need to be prepared to do the work. Many people think a little bit of effort gets this big result. The reality is you have to do a lot to get to that result. There are no shortcuts.
And if you as a woman try to change a man, guess what happens? He will feel like you’re controlling him, because Allah created the man to be the leader. Eventually you come across as being a mother to him. That’s what happens in reality.
What Women Need in Marriage
The woman must feel:
- Adored: She wants words of affirmation, acknowledgment, love
- Physically safe: You protect her from harm
- Mentally safe: You don’t abuse her, don’t swear at her, don’t talk down at her
- Emotionally safe: You don’t betray her. Today, betrayal is of many types
- Financially secure: The man is responsible for the woman. The woman doesn’t need to work. None of this 50/50. Take it out of your head when you come into marriage
You are the qawwam, the leader. You show up. You take ownership. If it means you have more than one job, you have more than one job. You are the breadwinner.
Islamic Literature: “None honors a woman except for an honorable man, and none demeans a woman except for a mean man.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Go easy on the fragile vessels.”
What Men Need in Marriage
The man wants two things (and we’ll add a third as a bonus):
- Respect: I have done extensive research looking into different cultures and marriages. One thing always stands out in every culture: men cannot be disrespected in relationships. As soon as they feel disrespected, they shut down. Choose your words, choose your timing, and choose your tone. Three things.
- Appreciation: You need to appreciate that he’s doing a good job. Tell him he’s doing a good job. That’s so important because now he feels acknowledged. A man just wants that little bit of acknowledgment, and that gets him going and keeps him going.
- Intimacy: The emotional connection that leads to the physical connection.
How to Know Your Relationship Is in Trouble: Three T’s.
- No talking to each other
- No touching
- No time for each other
These are the signs.
Quote from Bilal Dannoun: “Chemistry can excite you, but I’ll tell you what: it never sustains the marriage. Don’t be deceived. You know what sustains it? Religiosity, your deen, and compatibility. Being on the same page. Working together as a team.”
Step Four: The Importance of Knowledge
In Malaysia, they looked at their divorce statistics. They were sitting at around 30%. The government said: “We need to do something about this.” They introduced mandatory marriage courses. You cannot go to a marriage celebrant and get married without a certificate of completion.
Fast-track 10 years: the divorce rate went from 30% down to under 10%.
What changed? One thing. Read, learn, unlearn, relearn. That’s what we need to do.
The Quranic Evidence: “And the male is not like the female” (Surah Al-Imran, 3:36). Physically, biologically, neurologically, physiologically, we’re just different. If you don’t understand that, your marriage will make you understand it. You might learn the hard way if you haven’t done the course.
One Practical Example of Understanding Gender Differences:
A woman has her monthly cycle. This is a very big deal in the relationship. In the middle of the cycle, ovulation happens and she is happiest. Toward the end of the cycle, she’s dealing with hormones that make her feel very stressed.
If you want to have a difficult conversation with a woman, whatever you do, don’t have it at the end of the cycle. Have it toward the middle. The conversation will flow easier and have a better outcome. This is one little tip we need to be intentional about. There are many others.
About Shared Vision: Ensure you have the shared vision with your spouse. Be on the same page. Share the same lifestyle. Have emotional maturity. Have similar goals. The chemistry can excite you, but religiosity and compatibility sustain the marriage.
The Garment Analogy: Allah says you are each other’s garments. If you think about your garments, they are the closest thing to your body. The relationship between husband and wife is always intimate and close. Your garments give you confidence, warmth, and security. That’s how the relationship should be.
Step Five: Know Your Tolerance Level and Set Boundaries
Tolerance: When you enter the marriage, you need to know your tolerance level. How much can you tolerate? Some people can tolerate certain behaviors. Others can’t. Everyone has different tolerance, and that’s a very important word to add to your marriage vocabulary.
The Teaching Analogy: The more you tolerate bad behavior, the more you teach them how to treat you. Think about it like a teacher. The more you tolerate your students’ bad behavior, what are you teaching them? That they can get away with it, that they can run amok, that they can walk all over you. But when you have standards, when you have values, when you have boundaries, this is where things change.
In-Laws: When it comes to in-laws, this is very problematic in many cultures. Some cultures require the wife to live with her husband’s parents, and then there are problems. It is best practice not to live with your in-laws. From the knowledge and experience I have, it is best practice not to live with your in-laws.
But if circumstances require it, make sure you have very healthy boundaries with them. Learn about navigating in-law relationships. There is lots of content and work written about this that I would love for you to learn about.
Quote from Bilal Dannoun: “One thing after marriage when it comes to bad treatment: remember this statement. The more you tolerate, the more you teach them how to treat you. When you have standards, values, and boundaries, this is where it changes.”
The Barakah Blueprint: Key Takeaways
Whether you’re in Bankstown, Liverpool, Lakemba, Parramatta, Auburn, or anywhere across Greater Sydney, here is the blueprint for a marriage filled with Barakah:
Before Marriage:
- Fix yourself spiritually, mentally, physically, and materially
- Lower your gaze (brothers) and observe hijab (sisters)
- Heal from unresolved trauma
- Don’t be hasty out of loneliness
- Don’t delay marriage unnecessarily
Choosing a Spouse:
- Go for deen and character above all else
- Interview like Harvard: ask the hard questions first
- Do your istikhara and look for the signs Allah sends
- Don’t ignore red flags
- Don’t marry a project or potential
- Remember you marry a package, not just a person
In Marriage:
- Make the dua from Surah Al-Furqan daily
- Maintain mawadda (affection) and Rahmah (mercy)
- Understand gender differences
- Know your tolerance level and set boundaries
- Have clear communication about needs, expectations, and roles
- Maintain your salah (the connection between you and Allah)
- Handle in-law boundaries proactively
Remember the Key Warning Signs:
- No talking, no touching, no time together (the three T’s)
And remember above all else: a good marriage is going to keep you happier and healthier. It’s going to show up in every area of your life. The quality of your marriage determines the quality of your life.
Take Action Today with Bilal Dannoun
As a Sydney-based Muslim marriage celebrant, I’m committed to helping you build a marriage with Barakah rooted in Quranic principles and practical wisdom.
My Services Include:
- Sharia-compliant nikah ceremonies (online and in-person) across all Sydney suburbs
- Pre-marriage education covering everything in this Barakah Blueprint
- Marriage counseling for couples at any stage
- Islamic divorce services handled with compassion
- Notice of Intended Marriage (NOIM) assistance ensuring legal and Islamic compliance
- Flexible ceremony locations: Your mosque, home, chosen venue, or my dedicated marriage reception lounge
- Online marriage course with 117 videos integrating Islamic teachings and modern psychology
For Singles: Don’t rush, don’t delay, and don’t lower your standards out of loneliness. Prepare yourself, make dua, and let me help you navigate the marriage process wisely.
For Married Couples: If you’re struggling, invest in your marriage now. Learn, unlearn, and relearn. The tools are available. The knowledge is accessible. You simply need to take the first step.
May Allah bless all our marriages with sakina (tranquility), mawadda (affection), and Rahmah (mercy). May He make our spouses and children the delight of our eyes. May He grant us Barakah in our relationships, our homes, and our future generations.
Contact me today, from Bankstown to Parramatta, from Liverpool to Lakemba, I’m here to help you build the marriage that Allah describes in the Quran: a place of sakina, a source of Barakah, and a pathway to His mercy.